Always Our Team

Always here! Always doing stuff!

Silent Matt

CEO, Chief Buyer, Retired Mime

Matt is a silent genius – trapped in his own mind. Matt provides tireless direction to his loyal team through a flurry of notepads, sticky notes and sometimes (although he claims they are cursed) whiteboards.

Many people wonder why it is that Matt never speaks. Although much of the story is shrouded in mystery (and post-it notes), the legend says it all goes back to 1933. Matt, a young rogue scholar, was taking an IQ test, where Matt swears he scored a 197. This was the one thing standing in the way of Matt receiving a full ride scholarship to Harvard, and becoming a Nobel Prize winner at the age of 17. However, the proctor administering the test dropped dead of a heart attack right as he was gathering the tests – making these test scores invalid. Matt later retook the test and only scored a 72.

This scarred and publicly shamed Matt so severely, he dropped out of school and never spoke again. Some say this event drove Matt slightly mad. We invite you to judge for yourself.

  • Quadratic Equations 98%
  • Simple Math 3%
  • Silence 100%

Just Jesse

COO, Video Guy, AKA “The Haircut” 

Often looked as being the voice of reason in a sea of insanity, Jesse filters out the voices of Matt’s madness and the grumpy mumblings of Justin to keep the chaos to a minimum and the gears constantly running.

Many people don’t realize that as a teenager Jesse was the leader of the notorious Toole street gang “Jesse’s Jets” (JJ’s for short). In 1996, the JJ’s received the prestigious Trash Kickers award where they were recognized as the gang that kicked over the most garbage cans in the entire country. Jesse has kicked his rebellious ways. However, Justin swears he has caught Jesse breaking into a song and dance routine (something about when you’re a Jet…) and aggressively combing his hair.

  • Posting on Facebook 85%
  • Cool Hair 99%
  • Dance Routine 32%

Grumpy Justin

Production Manager, Head Complainer

During the 1920’s Justin toured the country as “Happy,” one of the 7 Dwarves in the off-off-broadway play, “Snow White and the 7 Dwarves.” When Justin looks back on his life he says this was the one moment he felt fulfilled. However, like all good things it wasn’t meant to last.

That’s when the Great Depression hit. People no longer wanted to see a happy dwarf. Justin stood a full 12 inches above all the other dwarves, and he was banished forever from his acting troupe. This crushed Justin.

Fueled by rage and half starved, Justin was easily accepted as an enforcer for the Irish mafia of Chicago, where he specialized in enforcing Olympic ice skating events. Justin gave this all up when he saw the agony on the sad face of one young skater as she asked, ‘Why?’ This softened Justin’s cold heart and he vowed to give up his violent ways.

Justin moved to Utah in the late 80’s and became a circus geek for the little know circus, the Fabulous Flying Ichiros. He remained there until he was found by Jesse. They have been fast friends ever since.

 

  • Complaining 80%
  • Smiling 4%
  • Doing All The Work 97%

Paul E. Wog

Permanent Customer

Paul’s role at Always Black Friday is ambiguous at best. He follows Matt from place to place. Technically, he is a customer. However, sometimes he wanders behind the cash register and pretends to be an employee. His doctor says it’s best not to aggravate him, so we often give him a minor task (most having something to do with a stapler).

Although the origins of Paul are lost, it is believed he was born somewhere in the Black Mining Hills of Dakota in the early 1700’s.

Matt met Paul in the late 60’s when he crashed his single-prop plane into the swamps of Alabama. Paul rescued him, brought him to his hut and taught him how to meditate while standing on his head and lifting rocks. Matt wrote in his memoirs, “Paul was so small, I would put him in a tiny backpack as I lept through the swamp and listened to his nonsensical riddles. To this day, I still have no idea why he made me pick up rocks or what any of his silly riddles meant…” When Matt was feeling better, he brought Paul out of the Alabamian swamps and back to civilization. Matt intended to make it all into an epic 9 film movie series. Sadly, he lost his memoirs in a poker game to a man named George.  

  • Speaking in Riddles 85%
  • Mumbling 68%
  • Completing Sentences 6%

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